Thursday, August 04, 2011

This month is not a good month.
Cross me, and i won't be nice.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

majorly mad pissed. i have extreme intolerance to bad time management. pisses the hell out of me when i plan something back to back nicely and all it takes is one stupid joker to screw it up. dammit.

i feel like slapping someone big time now.

Friday, June 17, 2011

oh, and one more thing.
If i had known that emails and sms were not meant to be private, i would have sent it to the world for their viewing.
or even better, publish it on the newspaper.

stupid piece of shit.

So apparently, i just learnt that a bunch of my friends don't believe in platonic friendship. you're either lovers or enemies. no such thing as in between. totally what the hell to me.

also, apparently, love means possession, even if it means suffocating the love of your life to death. That also includes, love at first sight and, being head over heels in love with someone you don't even know.
that, is totally what the fuck to me.

Then, i learnt that the person who claims his love for you, proclaims he doesn't expect a reciprocated love, but gets jealous over someone else. And then, badmouths you to his friends and STILL claim that despite all that has happened, he still loves you.
That, i don't know how to deal with. Probably take a knife and stab him right in his heart to kill that love he has for me, before his love kills me.

After all he has done in the name of love, i hope eventually, some people realize that the minute you love starts to cause hurt, it's the time you learn that love means knowing how to let go.

go figure, asshole.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

yesterday was probably one of the longest day of my life.. and yet also seemed so short.
Initially i took the news calmly and rationally. Then i sat down for 5 mins and when it finally hit me and registered in me, it suddenly dawned to me that i've been getting so much crap in 5 months.

thank god for a convenient listening ear on standby who happened to be next to me or i would have completely lost it.

sigh.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

today, i felt like giving up for whatever i've been fighting for.
the energy bar is blinking dangerously low. i really don't know how long i can last like this

Friday, May 06, 2011

Back from Chiang mai feeling refreshed and humbled on many levels. I had a really good trip, minus some annoying bits. Nonetheless, living with the bare necessities was actually extremely fulfilling for me this time round. We laughed a lot. learnt a lot and benefited more than what we could give. There were moments i was close to tears when i saw how the kids appreciated little things which we always take for granted. i'm almost ashamed of myself. but ultimately, i'm really glad this trip changed me in so many ways. I went there with a broken heart and returned with a fresh start through helping others.

i'm definitely doing this again.

Friday, April 29, 2011

sometimes, i ask myself, how can anyone be so heartless.

I don't think i'll ever get my answer. Except for the fact that i know, who are those, who have been such extreme cold-hearted and unfeeling to others.

oh well. Time for Chiang mai! hopefully i'll be able to heal myself through the process of healing others :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

it's really sad that even though i'm no longer a student in a school, i still encounter the misfortune of knowing childish and immature people around. and i thought such silly actions and behaviors exists in schools.
gross.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

just some very very random things:

1. i fear i'm suffering from insomnia. i can't sleep at night.. and when i sleep, i get nightmares. when morning comes, i simply refuse to get out of bed.

2. in order to counter this i-can't-sleep thing, i figured out that making myself damn tired in the day would help me to crash at night. so i've been making sure i go for runs every evening after work/dinner. so far, good idea cause it makes me fit and i sleep a little better at night.

3. and because i've been running more often, the silly Nike+ sensor in my shoe ran out of battery and now, i'm running without a tracker on. totally sucks especially now that i'm running almost everyday.

4. been trying to hide from my big boss because he's been asking me daily on the progress on the paper which is bare minimal even though i've been working on it every min. makes me feel bad. but i realize, the more i wanna avoid him, the more i see him. bad strategy.

5. i so bloody need a holiday.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

for once, no emo post!

the looming MCAT is less one month away! man, i'm suppperrr nervous for it. stupid 5.5hr exam.. i swear i'm gonna conquer it once and for all.

anyways, yesterday was one good day. During the usual floor meeting, i had a pleasant surprise when O decided to use my data for presentation and even credited me for it! I know it may sound like no big deal but i've been putting in so much work and effort into this project and i had no idea that O was going to use it for a presentation to everyone else in the department. for that minute, i really felt a glow of happiness around me. I can't remember the last time i was credited for my work in front of everyone. It felt.... really good i must say. It was almost as if i've accomplished something so far within my 1 year in duke-nus and everyone has been telling me that it's superb data. For the rest of the day, i was on cloud nine.

and that's when i realize, when all else fails, there's still work that makes you feel happy. sad but true.

Still, it was truly a good day and so far, i'm beginning to be even more proud of my work :)

yay!

Saturday, February 05, 2011

So life has been bumpy and rough off late. i'm super choked up with all the shitty things in life so far. but then again, i count my blessings and take comfort in the things i have in life. For once, thank god for awesome family and supportive friends. The last thing i ever want is to be all alone and walk this path i've chosen.

i guess this is a little ridiculous but, thinking back, when i was trying to get over Melvin, i worked myself crazy to make myself so tired and not think abt anything at all. Man was it hard. No breakup is every pretty or happy. I remember spending days questioning so much and crying myself to sleep. And i think i do remember making myself a resolution that i'd never want to cry myself to again. ever. That's probably the most pathetic thing to do.

Well of course, resolutions are hard to stand by. Every now and then, that still happens. I can't say i'm awesome at getting over breakups or moving on so quickly. i suck at it. i think too much, reminisce too much and give too much. Sometimes i'm amazed at my own patience and tolerance. But in any case, now that i look back, there were 2 songs that stuck with me so much when i tried to move on. Ironically, both those songs were released once the break up set in. I know it's a super silly and teenager thing to put in song lyrics on blogs now but since i don't know if anyone still do surf and read this blog, i guess it doesn't really matter much. does it?



I still... by Backstreet boys:

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go
(Need you)
(Care about you)

Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

and


Just want you to know by backstreet boys:

Looking at your picture
from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night
Wrapped around your finger
Always in my mind
The days they blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything,
everything to me

I just want you to know
that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through,
and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again,
just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I'm trying to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day
The day you slipped away

I just want you to know
that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through,
and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again,
just want you to know

That since I lost you,
I lost myself
No, I can't fake it,
there's no one else

I just want you to know
that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through,
and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again,
just want you to know


So, i'm really tired. I think i've given up way too many things to come to where i am at now and now that i'm here, there really isn't much turning back. i'm not gonna burn down the forest just for one tree. i'm really really trying so hard to move away. Yes, some nights i still cry in one corner of my room or in the shower. and some days i still try to hold back my tears but i think i really ought to love myself more than anyone else. Only be protecting myself from pain and harm, then am i better at loving someone else.

Labels: bff

Monday, December 06, 2010

back from europe 2 weeks ago and feeling ultra refreshed!

although, now it's back to reality. booo

anyways, Christmas soon! <3

Saturday, October 16, 2010

2 days ago, my postdoc told me this:

You are too young to have worries like this.

and somehow, that made so much sense that i always remind myself that whenever i worry too much.

so true.

Thursday, September 16, 2010
randomness

so, work's been ok. studying's been ok. was just back from a major shopping trip which left me super drained. nonetheless, it was fun :)

haven't been blogging for a while and it's usually when i'm feeling down in the dumps when i start to blog and type randomly.

i made a lot of new friends recently. most are nice and of course, some isn't. but most importantly, i'm really glad i'm closer friends with my old friends. it's almost like a renewal of old friendship which are now stronger. whenever i feel crappy, i take comfort in my family, my job and my awesome friends. i mean seriously, what could get worse than losing those 3. i don't ask for everything to be perfect but when i counted my blessings, those 3 always makes me more settled :)

i've got more responsibilities, more pressure from work and more journals to read. i've made weird friends and even my sister agrees she's got weird friends.

still! i'm totally addicted to this song. the lyrics are meaningful although not much relevant to me but i'm a sucker for Sara Bareilies. she's so cool. so, here's one of her new songs, which is totally on my repeat track by far.

Labels: friends, random

Thursday, July 22, 2010

life is so so not good right now.
i'm super duper drained.
7 months into 2010 and i'm already feeling like i need a long break when i already had a 3 month break in the beginning of the year.

so.tired.

Friday, July 16, 2010

hello world!

decided to re-read my posts recently and realized they've all been so dark and depressing. i guess at that point of time while i was typing, they were truly heartfelt and they just flow out naturally. and yeah! didn't know people still do check this almost dead blog once in a while. maybe i should continue blogging (:

anyways, been ultra donkey busy. day in day out i'll be busy doing this and that and trying to juggle so many things. it's like what they say: your plate is already full even before the buffet begins. eeks! i hardly even have time for myself anymore. at most, if i'm lucky on some days, 40 mins in the gym, 15mins in the bathroom and my ultimate favorite: 7hrs on my bed. i hardly even have time to sit down and watch tv. boohoo.

on a random note, just found out my friend's ex got married. apparently, he was extremely upset when they broke up about a year ago. and now that she got married, she invited this poor single guy friend of mine to her wedding. aww man. if it were me, i'd probably be heartbroken if i were to attend the wedding. i almost feel sorry for this poor guy :(

Sunday, July 11, 2010

i thought it was going to be a good sunday for me.
but i just found out something horrible and upsetting.

seriously can't remember the last time a friend ever betrayed me.
i swear it's really painful.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

i'm trying really really hard to be as indifferent as i can. i thought it was a matter of out of sight, out of mind.
but i realized i'm just in denial all this while.
i'm confused. i can't believe how much i've changed over a span of 4 months.
I'm almost afraid i'll lose myself while finding myself. which is ultra ironic.

how do you numb your skin after the the warmth has touched and left you?

i'm tired emotionally and mentally.
i keep giving myself a deadline but i can never meet it.

i think, i need a break.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

woah! i can barely remember the last time i blogged! i even almost forgotten the password to blogger. haha

so anyway, i don't know if its because too many things have happened since or because i think no one reads this anymore. it's as if my thoughts no longer matter and i can't be bothered to write them down or anything. which, i'm convinced, is a bad thing :(

life was pretty rough in the middle of this semester. but the way i see it, if i wanna see the rainbow at the end of the day, i need to go through the storm. and now that the storm's almost settled, i'm hoping my rainbow will appear. never mind the pot of gold at the end of it.

ah well. at least i'm pretty sure i'm not fire fighting at work anymore. teaching has way too many ugly politics and i'm darn glad i'm over it :)

more updates next time, hopefully! :)

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